I Am Because You Are (So what am I without you?)

I am your teacher because you are my student. I am your mother because you are my child. I am your wife because you are my husband. I am your family because you are mine. I am your friend because you are mine. Am I relevant without you? Do I even exist without you? What if something happens to you? What will I do? Who will I be?

These questions never consciously occurred to me, not until I hit rock bottom and realized I had no sense of self outside of others. I was so attached to my roles and both my love and sense of responsibility to others that I had no idea who I was just because I was, only who I was because they were. I was riddled with fear about losing my loved ones because I literally felt that without them I would have no life. When I was away from them I was anxious, unclear, upset—they grounded me and without them I felt lost and alone.

Living in this fear day in and day out took a toll. What I’ve realized is that fear does little more than paralyze, which breeds even more fear. I was afraid of everything, most notably being alone. I did whatever it took to not be alone, compromised the way I allowed myself to be treated, abandoned things I loved to do, disconnected from the part of me that really needs to be alone to recharge and be who I am meant to be. For years I lived for others in fear of losing them. As it always is when driven by fear instead of love, I actually drove them all away. What I ended up was surrounded by people and things I loved, yet totally and wholly alone in the world.

Once I finally realized how I had destroyed myself, I knew the only way to rebuild was to get ok with being alone; I had to learn how to stand on my own two feet in order to move in the world without fear. This was no easy task; I hadn’t done it in many, many years. I was living this crazy hypocrisy: everyday I taught young women at school how to be empowered and strong and independent, working and living and loving others along side them instead of for them. Yet, in my own heart and in my own home, I had no idea how to do that.

It took a drastic measure to move myself from the knowing what I needed to do to the doing what I needed to do. I took a step no one, and I mean no one, in my life supported. Yet somehow in my heart I knew it was the only choice for me to heal. Just before I followed through with it I almost caved; doing something others didn’t approve of was something I had never done before, it flew in the face of how I had been raised as well as how I had lived for my whole life. In doing so, however, I figured out how to make decisions that would upset people but move forward with them anyway because they were right for me. I taught myself how to move in the world completely alone and it strengthened me in a way I never knew possible.

After that, the rest seemed to come much more easily. I had opened the door and walked through it, all on my own. I was living and thriving alone. I was capable and strong and moving forward in the world, all alone. In doing so, I finally got clear that I am not because others are, but just because I am.

It took a clear and intentional break from all those I love to get them back. I am blessed beyond measure that when I physically and emotionally returned from my solitary journey my loved ones were waiting with open arms to receive me. My time away had allowed them the space to thrive as well; as if we broke some kind of dysfunctional energy we were living in before and now were free to move forward together, not in or for one another, but beside and with one another.

Now when I think I am because they are, I am washed with gratitude. I really am because others are. Not because they anchor me or give me wings, but because they have paved my path. They’ve smoothed it and landscaped it and brought in the butterflies and birds. They’ve put up signs of caution as well as signs of encouragement. They provide me with lessons to learn and growing to do and the opportunities to strive ahead. They give me the space to walk my own journey and that journey is because they have and continue to be.

I am because they are. They are because I am. That, I have found, is the greatest cycle of life there is.